Hailin’ Palin.

In what comes as an enormous relief to the many women named ‘Sarah’ across the world (including some 87% of all women in McGill), Sarah Palin has resigned as governor of Alaska. The New York Times reports that this will allow her to escape the constraints of her job, alternatively referred to as responsibilities willingly accepted as part of one’s office. She wants to effect change ‘outside the government’ which, I think all will agree, is an excellent place for her to be. For a moment there it seemed she meant ‘community organiser’, except everyone knows they don’t do anything. So it’s probably a literal meaning we’re grasping for here. If we can persuade NASA to take her on for that one-way shuttle to Mars, all the better. She needs some outside air, poor girl.

Being the governor of the largest state in the Union (thrice the size of France Freedom) must be terribly stifling. It isn’t quite life if you can’t hunt animals in all the other states as well. After all, one has bred prolifically. One must use the tribe for something. Ye defenceless beasts of the lower forty-eight, intelligently designed by a vengeful, short-tempered, white supremacist Lord God, look out. Here come the Palins armed with hockey sticks and semi-automatic assault weapons, led by First Dude flashing his dudely chest in a BP polo, followed by the brood. And here’s Mama Palin bringing up the rear, a little flag (with flashing lights … ooh!) buried through a hole in her cranium to prove her undying loyalty to Jesusland. Be afraid.

Russia, in contrast, can relax. It was becoming very difficult to scurry Soviet shock troops into America with Governor Palin watching them night and day from her tower in Juneau. Finally, the planned invasion of Alyaska can go forward. British Columbians are feeling a little less tainted by sheer geographical proximity. And Arabs, well, they hate America, so they must be celebrating too. We aren’t sure, but they worship a different god and speak funny, so that means they need to be bombed. And the Europeans. Them too. Baby-eating socialists.

Speculation is rife about what Palin wants to do, now that she has spared the Alaskan population the worse part of her tender loving care. It doesn’t stand to reason that she resigned to focus on a presidential campaign, because her term was going to end in 2010 anyway. Unless she can’t count. Oh wait, bring that reason back on the list. She might be planning to run for Commander-in-Chief of the United States, riding on her intellect, her charm, her sophistication (ok, sarcasm, now you’re totally on to me) and her record of fulfilling commitments for the whole term. You know, like when she was govern- yea, never mind. I can’t imagine a better candidate for keeping Iran in line. She might bomb them any time, just to see if the button works. Why, even Israel will sleep less soundly, because they aren’t quite sure Sarah Palin knows where Iran exactly is, or would care enough to aim right anyway.

One might venture to imagine that she is taking time off to write a book – she does already have a contract lined up, and Obama’s literary ponderings certainly paid rich political dividends. Oh no, that would require literacy, with elitist East Coast godless liberal habits like punctuation. Scratch that. A TV spot, perhaps one with Tina Fey. Such a sweet twin sister act it’ll be. I really hope it’s that. Saturday Night Live is in for some money. Now with Michael Jackson gone, the country has an entertainment void only someone as extraordinary as Palin can fill.

Since it would be utterly churlish to bid adieu (cross your fingers) to such a national treasure without extolling at least some of her virtues, let us find something positive about Palin. For one, she was honest about not supporting abortion at all costs. Which is exactly what she did regarding her own daughter. Truly, no child has been sacrificed so profitably on the altar of ambition since that whole mess with Isaac (who, if one’s Biblical knowledge is not entirely incorrect, was a child of a Sarah as well). Second, she has given Bush a legacy of looking committed (he certainly finished his whole term as governor of Texas) and erudite. Surely every President deserves this much, even one as challenged in syntax and enunciation. Taking one for the team, eh Sarah? Good for you! And third, she’s spared a small fraction of the American population her ‘leadership’. Who knows how (if!) she’ll come back, but for now, we’re rid of her. Is that a thin silver lining to a cumulus of intellectual, ethical, and emotional bankruptcy? You betcha!